This post was originally going to be a serious one, reflecting on the times when it feels like you're having more bad parenting days than good, when it feels like life is a constant battle. But things have been so heavy of late, what with politics and really awful stuff happening in the world. So I thought, what the hell, let's look at the funny side of our bad parenting days. Here are my top 10 moments when parenting sucks. Enjoy!
1. The very inappropriate public poo. When you're in the queue at Greggs, around food and that little face goes beetroot red and the grunting begins. And people give you that look...
2. When you stop them doing something dangerous but fun. My child repeatedly tries to climb behind the tv via the playpen. As I repeatedly drag him back, he proceeds to grip the playpen with all his might screaming 'Mama mama!' Way to make me feel guilty while I'm trying to stop you maiming yourself.
3. When no one tells you about the terrible ones. Everyone is eager to tell you all about the terrible twos, but no one mentions the terrible ones. I contemplate this as I have to virtually pin my child to the sofa in order to lean his teeth.
4. The unprovoked attack. As looking after a one year old is pretty exhausting I sometimes feel the urge to have a quick lie down on the couch while he's playing. The second my head hits the couch he scooches over to the couch as fast as he can, stands up and proceeds to slap me in the head or pull at my hair whilst having a giggle. That's what I get for lying down on the job.
5. Youch! Having a rest on the couch (again) I felt a sharp, searing pain in my toe. On sitting up I found my child's teeth were firmly clamped around my big toe. Why? Just, why?
6. The generous gift. My child likes to share. So much so that he likes to take his socks off and give them to randomers on the bus. Sigh. Failing this, when he is bored of his book, he might chuck it at the lady sat next to us. Public transport is a perilous thing.
7. Reaching a new low. When you're so desperate to get out of the room to finish the washing up that you point at the tv shout Twirliwoos and run. I regularly have these days.
8. Learners sign required. When I am having a particularly bad day I tend to crash the pram a lot. I'm sure I do this all the time, but it is more noticeable when I'm having a bad one. It is especially delightful when you struggle to get the pram on the bus, crash it several times getting it into place and run over several peoples feet on the way. All the while the driver and various members of the public look on amused. Ta very much.
9. Let's try something new. Bobby seemed very interested in the laptop, so we thought we would install Baby Smash, a game in which your baby can mash at the keys and different coloured numbers and letters appear on the screen. We needed to glue about three of the keys back on.
10. Nothing is sacred. Bobby is currently in the habit of clinging to peoples legs as he is trying to walk about, which is great as it is helping him to learn. Not so great was the time he reached up my pyjama shorts and grabbed my bum cheek.